It’s fair to say that everyone goes to McDonald’s at the end of a night out. In fact, some people who aren’t so hot on clubbing will go out with their friends specifically for that glorious McDonald’s at the end of the night. It’s something about the combination of the rich (possibly artificial) flavors of fast food and the enhanced taste buds of the intoxicated that creates a truly euphoric experience. So, ahead of your next night of drinking and dancing and chowing down on burgers, here are the 10 best foods to order at McDonald’s when you’re under the influence.
10. Sweet BBQ Bacon
When you’ve had a lot to drink, the sweet flavors of barbecue sauce really hit the spot. This one has a quarter pound beef patty on it, topped with slices of cheese and bacon and, of course, beautifully sticky and sweet barbecue sauce. The bacon on this one is different from a lot of the other McDonald’s meals that include bacon in that it has nice, thick, plump, juicy slices of what the official McDonald’s website calls Applewood smoked bacon. Also, this one has the distinction of letting you choose which bun you have. You can either go with the classic sesame seed bun or, if you’re in a bit more of an adventurous mood, you can go for the artisan roll. The cheese on the burger is a nice white cheddar, which is more flavorsome than the standard “plastic cheese” (as some people call it), while the burger also has onions on it that have been grilled until they’re lovely and crispy. They’re not just crunchy – they’re burnt to a crisp so they look like little brown Twizzlers. It’s heavenly. The beef patty is 100% beef and it’s just as juicy and succulent as that impressive fact would suggest.
9. Chicken Selects and Buttermilk Crispy Tenders
The Chicken Selects were introduced to the McDonald’s menu in 2002 and they aggressively marketed them so that by 2004, the weight of the grand total of Chicken Selects they had sold was well over 65 million pounds. While Chicken Selects are no longer available Buttermilk Crispy Tenders have come in to take their place. It’s insane how quickly the Crispy Tenders took off, and there’s a good reason for that. They are juicy, delicious, tender pieces of chicken that have been fried and sprinkled in the most delectable combination of spices. There are a few chicken meals on this list, because the luscious texture and glorious flavors of chicken are to die for when you’ve had a few drinks. While some say the recipe for Chicken Selects ranks among the greatest fried chicken recipes in the world, the Buttermilk Crispy Tenders Can’t be far behind. So, McDonald’s have nailed burgers, they’ve nailed fries, and they eventually got around to nailing pieces of fried chicken. It might take them a few years, but they might dominate the whole industry within the next couple of decades.
8. Hot Fudge Sundae
The Hot Fudge Sundae is one of the greatest human inventions ever. It is the blend of hot fudge and cold ice cream that transports you to Heaven every time you take a bite. They say that opposites attract and, apparently, the same goes for food. To have a hot fudge sauce and a creamy soft serve ice cream in the same bite somehow creates a kind of perfect middle ground. It all mixes together in your mouth: the heat from the fudge melts the ice cream into a lovely dribble and the coldness from the ice cream cools down the fudge so that it doesn’t burn your tongue. It’s a very precise science. The Hot Fudge Sundae is served with little nibbly bits sprinkled all over it, which only serve to enhance the taste of each bite. Without them, the whole thing might even be a bit too soft and delicious. It manages to mix one utterly sweet thing with another utterly sweet thing and not become too sickly in its flavor. It’s a dangerous line to walk, but McDonald’s have done their tests and gone through trial and error and figured out the optimum sweetness – not too sweet, but sweet enough. Like any ice cream dish, this one melts in your mouth, but thanks to the creamy texture of the soft serve ice cream, it is even more so with this particular ice cream dish. It is simply heavenly. You need to check it out.
7. Double Cheeseburger
What’s the one thing better than a burger with a beef patty and a slice of cheese? A burger with two beef patties and two slices of cheese! We’ve already established that the flavor of cheese is to die for when it’s on intoxicated taste buds. This one is best enjoyed without any of the salad and with a lot of ketchup applied to both sides of the bun. The salad just gets in the way when you’re under the influence of the Devil’s sauce – plus, the lettuce clashes with the cheese and that’s the last thing you want. The ketchup on both halves of the bun is important. If you have ketchup coming at your taste buds from both the top of the burger and the bottom of the burger, it creates a whole new sandwich of flavor within the bread. Eat this one while it’s hot, because the cheese melts nicely on the grilled patties – and if you get it in your mouth quick enough, then it melts on each individual bite. It is simply glorious. Getting this as a meal with a drink and fries is optional, but it’s also recommended. It all goes together so well. The science of this probably does not quite add up, but it seems that the cheese melting into a liquid and the burgers being minced together from little pieces combine the two substances together. The cheese melts into the gaps between the mince. That might not be true, but that is how it tastes.
6. Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Sandwich
If you’re looking for something that tastes more like quote unquote “real food” from McDonald’s, then look no further than the Buttermilk Crispy Chicken Sandwich. It’s like a BLT, with a C in place of the B. Is a CLT a real thing? Whether it is or not, officially, McDonald’s went and made one anyway. This one is a succulent fillet of chicken – a prime cut of the chicken meat – on a soft bread roll (a quote unquote “real” bread roll as opposed to the quote unquote “fake” burger buns) with crispy pieces of lettuce and a nice, juicy slice of tomato. The flavors all blend together very well like a BLT, except instead of the fattier and more dangerous red meat of the bacon, you’ve got the leaner and healthier white meat of the chicken. It’s not even fried in fat – it’s a lovely buttermilk glaze, which adds flavor without sacrificing what small inkling of nutrition the food has left when it goes through the kitchen at McDonald’s. Also, according to the official website of McDonald’s, this particular sandwich does not use any preservatives or artificial flavorings or added colors, so that gives it some pretty major bonus points.
5. Mozzarella Sticks
This one may be tough to find as it’s not a regular menu item but it does pop up from time to time. McDonald’s Mozzarella Sticks became a favorite of vegetarian diners, because it’s one of the few items on the menu that doesn’t have any meat in it. It’s technically a side, since it’s on the sides menu, but it can be enjoyed as the main course – no one has to know! When available on the menu, it comes with a marinara sauce, whose spicy tomatoey flavors pairs perfectly with the softer savory flavors of the mozzarella. However, just because they say it should go with marinara sauce, doesn’t mean you can’t choose your own dip to go with it. The sweet chili dip is another one that goes very well with the Mozzarella Sticks, as it blends the sweetness of the dip with the savoriness of the gloopy mozzarella. They’re not too chewy and they go down very smoothly. There’s a light crunch on the outside from the breadcrumbs, followed by the silky, gooey tastes of the melted mozzarella on the inside. When you’re under the influence, cheese is one of the tastiest things you can eat, especially when it’s melted and fried and wrapped in breadcrumbs. And speaking of the breadcrumbs around the Mozzarella Sticks, they will serve to soak up the alcohol, so not only is it incredibly delicious, it also serves a practical purpose. So keep your eyes open for these delicious sticks because they just might reappear at a Big M near you. There’s even a Facebook group in the UK, where they are known as Mozzarella Dippers, working hard to bring them back.
Any McFlurry will do, quite frankly. They have the mainstays and also the limited McFlurries that they put on the menu seasonally, but any of them will do when you’re under the influence. The soft serve ice cream has the rich, smooth, silky texture and the milky maltiness and it’s just phenomenal. Also, it’ll remind you of the ice cream cones you used to eat as a kid, so there’s even a nostalgic element that goes along with eating a McFlurry. All the toppings accentuate the ice cream in the most wonderful way, whether it’s chocolate chips or chocolate flakes or chocolate sauce or chunks of a candy bar or Oreos that have been crumbled up – whatever it is, it’s always delicious. They really know their ice cream toppings. If there’s one thing that the McDonald’s people know how to do, it’s ice cream. Vanilla soft serve ice cream has a lovely flavor, but it’s also pretty bland on its own. It’s like a blank canvas that the good people of McDonald’s cover in all kinds of paint. Whether that paint is Oreos or M&M’s or something else that’s just as beautiful, it results in a dessert that is unbelievably divine when you are under the influence of alcohol.
3. Grand Big Mac Bacon
Yes, it’s still a Big Mac if it has bacon on it, okay? Let’s just settle that right now. Not that it matters, of course. Has a marketing team ever forced a pointless debate so aggressively on the public before? We’re divided about a lot of things right now – you don’t need to add to that, and certainly not with something as trivial as whether or not a Big Mac is still a Big Mac if it has bacon on it. But even so, who cares, right? Anyway, that being said, the Grand Big Mac Bacon is a beautiful burger to eat when you’re under the influence. There are three layers of bread to absorb alcohol, two succulent beef patties for your taste buds to savor, two slices of gorgeously melted cheese to moisten the thing up, and some little rashers of bacon to give you a nice, juicy taste of the morning. All in all, this is a terrific sandwich that will truly quench your hunger when you’re under the influence. Obviously, in a state like that, portions are no object. You can eat a burger of any size! That’s why you go with the Grand Big Mac Bacon. It is a gigantic thing to get through, but the rewards more than speak for themselves. It has everything you could possibly ask for. It has one more of everything you might want on a burger. Go for it!
2. Chicken McNuggets
Once you get through the crunchy outside layer and into the juicy chicken, you’ll realize what a perfect food the Chicken McNugget is. This is one of the most truly divine works of culinary art that you can place in your mouth when you’ve spent a night out on the town drinking. And if you’re going to get Chicken McNuggets after your night out, do yourself a favour and get a ShareBox – and don’t share it. Sure, you can get a little box with six measly Chicken McNuggets in it. But imagine a huge box – basically a create – with a staggering total of twenty Chicken McNuggets in it! There has been all kinds of stuff in the press about the Chicken McNuggets being filled with chicken beaks and bones and synthetic meat and even an indiscriminate purple goo, but McDonald’s insists that they use 100% chicken breast in their Chicken McNuggets. They’ve even gotten bona fide nutritionists to go on TV in commercials and test the meat in their products to assure you it’s 100% chicken breast. So, let’s just go on believing that the Chicken McNuggets contain 100% chicken breast and hope it’s not some kind of terrifying Soylent Green thing. But even then, no one in that movie complained about the taste or texture of Soylent Green until the staggering revelation that it was people. The same goes for Chicken McNuggets. Ignorance is bliss!
1. French fries
The French fries are king, because they provide all the saltiness you need at the end of the night when you’ve had your fun and now, you’re worried about tomorrow’s hangover. Not only do the French fries soak up all the alcohol, they also taste spectacular. McDonald’s’ fries are notorious for being super thin, so it’s basically all fry and no potato. This makes them crunchy, crispy, flavorsome, and just the right thing for when you’re under the influence. Plus, the fries get bonus points for being vegetarian and vegan friendly, because they like to go out drinking, too. The fries are a pleasure that everyone from all walks of life and all culinary disciplines can enjoy. They’re so little that you have to eat a few at a time to even fill your mouth, so when your teeth come down on them, they crunch through various layers of fry. If you take your time with them and savor every bite, this can provide a truly blissful culinary experience. You don’t get the same effect when you’re sober – in fact, you start to notice the opposite, that the fries actually aren’t that great, when you’re sober – but when you’re under the influence, McDonald’s’ French fries really hit the spot. Some might say these fries have too much salt on them, but those people can be damned. The fries have the perfect amount of salt, which is a lot. In a sober state, you might be worried about sodium content or cholesterol levels or calories or fat or whatever. But under the influence, no one cares about that stuff. Forget about it, you will savor each and every grain of salt that befalls your tongue.