“Boys will be Boys” is an adage used to explain when boys — and men — do something stupid, thinking with their penises instead of their brains.
Many times, bad things have happened when men got sexually frustrated and attempted to ease that frustration. When dumb-dumbs can’t find a mate, they can make rash decisions that lead to their junk getting stuck in places it should never have been in the first place. Luckily for us, there stories were reported to the media and posted online for future generations to study (and hopefully never, ever duplicate). So, with that in mind, let’s take a look at the top 15 examples of men sticking their penises where they don’t belong!
15. The First Vacuum Incident
This example is one of many of men having genital related injuries that involve a vacuum cleaner and it’s not really hard to understand why.
Right around when puberty starts for most boys, the idea of an item that has a hole and also can suck seems to be a gift from the heavens. Some may even try it — turns out a lot do, as the vast majority of male masturbation injuries stem from vacuum cleaner related mishaps.
However, it doesn’t — and really can’t, if you think about it rationally — actually feel good and that should end the idea there. Unfortunately — at least for him and the vacuum — a 51-year-old man from Long Branch, New Jersey, never got that memo.
In an attempt to cover up his shame, he made a call to 911 claiming that someone had stabbed him in the “crotch” as he slept. He committed a felony, filing a false police report.
Louis Napoletano, the public safety director in Long Branch explained the injury as follows: “what he didn’t realize is that there’s a blade in the vacuum cleaner right under where the hose attaches that pushes the dust into the collection bag.”
The man ended up losing about a half-inch of his penis to that slicing mechanism and had to have microsurgery performed to simply stop the bleeding.
14. At Least it’s Not a Spoon
There are really only so many ways to get one’s penis stuck and because of that, this list needs some filler. Speaking of filler, this entry involves not a man actually getting his penis stuck and thus injured but instead involves a man sticking something in his penis and getting it stuck.
As was reported in the International Journal of Surgery Cases, a 70-year old man was admitted to the hospital with “bleeding urethral meatus” among other problems. The last time I checked men aren’t supposed to bleed from their genitals so how did this elderly man end up with such a painful injury?
It turns out that he stuck a 4-inch fork into his urethra in an attempt to “achieve sexual gratification”. That’s not the worst part, though, somehow. The fork ended up getting stuck — or was too painful to remove — and it required forceps and “copious” lubrication to remove.
The report states that the act of inserting items into the urethra have existed since the dawn of mankind and is something that most urologists are well accustomed to. In another instance, a man had a carrot stuck up his penis for almost two weeks. What’s up, doc? Indeed.
13. I said What What (Is in) The Butt?
Like the previous entry, not every entry on this list can involve an actual penis being stuck in something because there are only so many places to stick one’s junk and also because this is 2017 and a list only about penises is sexist, I assume.
So, to mix things up a bit let’s look at yet another insertion situation that this time involves the rectum of a 20-year-old man and that was reported in the American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology. According to that Journal, the man ended up at the emergency room complaining of pain in said rectum.
The typical red-flags that imply that perhaps a man is lying about having stuck something up his rectum — like being high/drunk, emotional/embarrassed, etc. — weren’t present so initially doctors didn’t know what to make of the situation.
So they ordered a “digital examination.” Images showed a “vertically oriented, low-lying object in the rectum,” upon the other definition of digital examination— using a finger to feel the object — it was referred to as a “stony hard mass.”
Turns out that that description of the object was more dead on than they could’ve ever imagined as the man then explained that he and his boyfriend had been fooling around and decided to mix some concrete and as the report continues: “the patient laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45-degree angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum.”
As the mix hardened it became incredibly painful and it led to the man going to the hospital. It really begs the question of what the couple expected to happen and apparently, that’s really something that the doctors must’ve thought as well as after removing the item from the man they didn’t (at least solely) prescribe pain-killers or antibiotics but instead actually recommended a psychiatric consultation. He declined.
12. Women Need Lovin’ Too!
Speaking of sexism and 2017, it’s time to expand on the above joke by including a woman on this list as well. Now, if you’ve ever been friends with a scumbag, you’ve probably been sent a link to videos of women being “serviced” by machine powered dildos.
Typically, the machines are constructed from common power-tools that have a dildo attached where the actual tool would be. A 27-year old woman from Maryland’s boyfriend must’ve come across something similar during his time online not looking for a job and decided to create a similar love contraption for her for the worst Valentine’s Day ever.
He took an electric saw and attached a dildo over the end of it, forgetting the most important part which was that you typically are supposed to attach the dildo where the tool is.
So after a few minutes of her pretending it felt good to appease her boyfriend the saw did what saws do and sawed through the rubber/plastic dildo while it was still inside the woman. All reports about this incident don’t go into a ton of detail about what injuries were sustained but it is said that she ended up suffering from “extensive and heavy bleeding”.
The hospital reported the situation to the police. However, after speaking with the woman and her boyfriend — and seeing how stupid the boyfriend was, presumably — the sheriff’s office concluded that they were telling the truth.
11. Don’t Forget to Mind the “Step-Children”
Despite the start of this piece, the majority of this list is about the penis itself and before we really get into the meat and potatoes of those situations, we should probably also focus on the potatoes to the meat that is the penis and add a story about testicular tomfoolery. Say that ten times fast!
According to a story in Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, an “unmarried loner” and machinist had found a new and apparently amazing way to relieve his sexual frustrations at work. When he was alone — hopefully? — he would lower his pants and place his scrotum/junk on one of the machine engines’ canvas belts.
He had done it a couple time and things went well but you knew that at some point things were going to go sideways and they did when his scrotum became “caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt,” tearing his scrotum open and also pulling out and removing his left testicle.
He actually didn’t immediately realize that he had lost his left testicle as he was too ashamed to go to the hospital/his work finding out, so he decided to continue his agony by stapling his scrotum shut at work. Somehow that didn’t solve the situation and he eventually relented and went to the emergency room, a whole three days after the incident.
After asking a nurse for a doctor that deals in “men’s troubles” a doctor entered and wrote this: “After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers and shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender.
A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.” Yep. Nope.
10. Weight Plates
Last month in Worms, Germany, a muscle head reportedly stuck his swollen member into the hole of a 2.5 kg weight plate. In a panic, the man needed assistance from local fire department to get his junk free. Firefighters took over three HOURS alone to get the chastity weight off him.
They worked with a series of power tools to get him out, including both a “cutting grinder” and a “vibrating saw.” The Fire department posted the nasty bits on their Facebook page, warning people against such temptations. Considering the type of equipment and the area in question, the man very well could’ve ended up losing his member.
People often question how this happens and outside of the question(s) as to why a penis would be inserted into a weight in the first place the anatomical reason that it ends up getting stuck is that once inserted the penis fills with blood.
If the fit is tight enough (and the penis is so inclined) there can be enough blood for the penis to become engorged while the veins that return blood to the heart are restricted. So, essentially, the blood comes in but can’t come back out and the penis becomes swollen enough for it to not be able to slide back out.
Think of the worlds most painful and panicked erection. There’s a reason that commercials for erectile dysfunction medications say that you should call a doctor if your erection lasts more than four hours, as that much blood can permanently damage blood vessels and make a bad situation much, much worse.
9. Leggo my… Penis?
Back in 2013, a man in London decided that the slot on his toaster reminded him of a robot vagina and decided to give it his best. He too wound up calling for assistance from his local firefighters. While the man requested anonymity, the fire department released his story. They were reportedly fed up with men getting their members stuck in appliances.
They had noticed a considerable uptick in appliance-related calls after the release of Fifty Shades of Grey. So, they dubbed it the phenomenon the ‘Fifty Shades Effect.’
“I don’t know whether it’s the ‘Fifty Shades’ effect, but the number of incidents involving items like handcuffs seems to have gone up,” London firefighter Dave Brown said. In addition to the toaster oven situation, London emergency services had dealt with the following since the release of Fifty Shades:
- Seventy-nine incidents involving people being trapped in handcuffs.
- Nine instances of men with rings stuck on their penises.
In London, there have been 1,300 calls since 2010 involving people with their hands or genitals “trapped or stuck.” That’s a considerable increase and proves how influential media can be to a species of animal that is one of perhaps two or three — with dolphins and other apes — that have sex for fun.
Considering the viral video of a chimp bumping uglies with a frog, it’s nice to know we’re not alone when it comes to using random objects for forbidden pleasure.
8. The Fifty Shades Effect
Speaking of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ when the London Fire Brigade released the story of the man and the toaster as a cautionary tale, they should’ve warned people about penis rings too. But they didn’t and the ‘Fifty Shades Effect’ continued unabated from 2013 until February of this year.
They announced again that they’d been responding to an inordinate amount of calls involving men getting their members stuck in penis rings. Between April of 2016 and February 2017, the Fire Brigade had responded to almost 10 calls involving men, their schlongs, and penis rings.
In addition to cock rings, they also had responded to a ton of calls involving handcuffs. Meanwhile, according to that report, the number of calls involving men getting stuck in household appliances had dropped significantly. So, the Brigade started a new campaign, dubbed ‘Fifty Shades of Red.’ At the time, the Director of Operations of London’s Fire Brigade said:
“We’re pleased that fewer people are getting themselves stuck in difficult situations and reducing call outs, however, it seems the Fifty Shades of Grey effect is still leading to some call embarrassing call outs. I’d like to remind everyone that 999 is an emergency number and should only be used as such. If there’s a genuine emergency, fire crews will of course attend and will be on the scene to help within minutes.”
“If the ring doesn’t fit, don’t force it on.”
If only someone had told Smeagol.
7. Real Steel
Of all the materials a dude could consider slipping his junk into, metal should be the last one. It’s unforgiving when it comes to bending or changing shape — it can’t feel good in the first place, either. A man in Spain failed to heed warning and stuck his weiner in a steel tube that was around 2 centimeters in diameter — take from that what you will.
Per usual, a fire brigade was dispatched and worked on the piece of pipe. Because of the amount of time it took, the man’s sausage was almost amputated. The 52-year-old man’s dong was inflamed and still erect within the steel tube. In addition to the 2 centimeter diameter, it was 4 millimeters thick and 5 centimeters in length.
At first, doctors thought amputation was the sole solution but the fire brigade rescued the man’s mini me. To cut the tube, they used a tool the man had purchased himself, earlier that month. Without it, the firefighters wouldn’t have been able to remove the tube and his penis would’ve wound up on the operating table.
The removal took over two hours and, according to the fire bridage’s spokesperson, was a “team effort.” Considering the man purchased the tool they used, he played a huge part on that team — but considering the size of the metal tube, he perhaps wasn’t THAT big of a member.
6. Til Death Do You Part(s)?
A 28-year-old South African man apparently thought he’d surprise his wife by putting his wedding ring around his penis. It was an idea his friends gave him and should be the number one thing middle and high schools bring up to dissuade children from succumbing to peer pressure.
While the logistics sound impossible, pictures suggest the man was “normal” when it came to size. When the unfortunate man placed the ring on his member “for erotic reasons on the recommendation of his friends” he came closer to losing his penis than anyone mentioned so far.
The situation was so rare and intense that it ended up in the South African Medical Journal. Described as “penile strangulation” and a “rarely described medical emergency,” it represented a once in a lifetime opportunity for the surgeons present.
According to the Journal, after hours of attempting to remove the ring with multiple tools, the surgeons determined that the ring was too “wide” and thick. As the penis reportedly turned blue from swelling, the only course of action was to use an “aspiration technique” — a type of biopsy procedure.
The surgeons inserted a “fine needle” into the swollen member to release pressure and fluid, allowing the phallus to return to its former glory and slip back out of the ring. Considering the pain the man was already in, inserting a needle into an area full of nerve endings sounds like a type of torture even Genghis Khan would’ve called overkill.
5. Beer Bottle
A lonely 50-year-man thought he had found the perfect replacement for a woman in October of last year: the bottle of beer he had just consumed. Pleasuring himself to help deal with his loneliness, he made the matter much, much worse because he won’t be able to ever have sex again in his life. Doctor Dennis Chirinos, the urologist who performed the surgery to remove what was left of the man’s penis, spoke with the media in Honduras and summed up the case perfectly:
“Yes it’s a strange case, it’s happened before, but it’s still strange. We had a 50-year-old patient that because he didn’t have a girlfriend or wife wanted to relieve his sexual frustration. So he put his penis in a bottle and this caused the death and necrosis of the penis. When he arrived four days later, we had to amputate the penis completely, because it was completely dead.”
Q: So he came with the bottle still attached to his penis?
“Yes! When you put your penis into a bottle it causes a constriction in the blood vessels of the penis and in four hours you can lose the penis. This is an embarrassing emergency. He didn’t get medical attention in time and this caused the penis to begin to decay and die completely. There was no choice but to remove the penis. It had gone completely black and begun to decay. The necrosis was very severe.”
According to the urologist, the man will still be able to urinate out of the stump they left for him but that’s about it. It’s the ultimate irony. You can’t help but feel for the guy who can never feel again.
4. Car Lover…
There are few things a man loves more than his automobile. For whatever reason, cars appeal to manly men in a way that few things do. Some men love their cars on an almost sexual level. They respond to pictures of muscle cars with the same “ooh’s” and “aah’s” they would for a model in lingerie.
So, it’s not surprising that a man in Brazil took that one step further and ended up having sex with the tailpipe of a car. There’s video online of a man having his way with the exhaust of a Volkswagen hatchback. When the man turns around and realizes he’s being filmed, he’s so horny he just keeps on thrusting away like his life depends on it.
3. A Christmas Story…
This entry is a bit different than the others in that it wasn’t so much a sexual thing as a call of nature thing. Considering the horrifying outcome though, it’s worthy of a mention. According reports, a man under the influence got the urge to drain his bladder at a bus stop in the cold winter of Stavropol, Russia.
Because he was three sheets to the wind and it was 22 below zero, he decided that the bus shelter was the best spot for him to free willy. As he went about his business, he staggered and the tip of his wet willy touched frozen metal.
Just like in A Christmas Story, his wang fused with the bus shelter. To add insult to injury, a large group of people formed around him, some to offer advice, others to troll. A passerby named Valery Levchenko ran home, grabbed a kettle of warm water and freed the man from his icy embarrassment.
He refused medical help and took off running after he was freed.
2. Parks and Rec(ked Genitals)…
Speaking of losing your penis because of your urge to use it, in 2008, a 41-year-old man in Hong Kong named Le Xing was also in dire straits. Xing, who was most likely homeless told police that he “thought it would be fun” to have sex with a specially-designed park bench.
Xing may be the most famous member of this list. News crew swarmed on the rescue efforts as doctors, police and (surprise, surprise) the fire department raced to save a penis. There is graphic footage of the rescue online, an effort that took a few hours.
Doctors attempted to drain blood from Xing’s penis to reduce the swelling and allow him to rebuild his dignity. However, that didn’t work. Rescuers had to cut through steel to free him from the bench. Even after they succeeded in cutting the section of metal around Xing’s groin, they still had to get him to the hospital: his penis was still encased in steel!
It took surgeons four more hours to free him. Word was that had he been stuck for one more hour, the doctors would’ve been forced to amputate.
1. The Dwarf and the Vacuum
Most of these stories sound too ridiculous to be true but this one takes the cake. A dwarf performing at the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland takes top spot on this list of embarrassing proclivities.
Daniel Blackner performed in the Circus of Horrors under the name Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf. Part of his show involved a Henry vacuum and his weenie. He noticed before the show that part of the vacuum that connected his member to the household appliance had gone loose.
It was last minute, so he could only find super glue to reattach the missing piece to the vacuum. Because the show was already starting, he only had about 20 seconds for the glue to dry — instead of the 20 minutes it required. The adhesive dried on his penis gluing it to the vacuum.
After trying to remove the appliance, the Demon Dwarf was taken to the Accident and Emergency department of the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary. There, a team of nurses tried for over an hour to free his little general from his penile prison. Captain Dan said:
“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me. I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.”
A source from the Daily Mail in the UK confirmed with the hospital that they did indeed treat the “performer,” despite saying they couldn’t confirm how he was treated for confidentiality reasons. Either way, since we have photographic proof, this may be the best example of what not to do in Internet history.