Practically everything can be purchased online these days. Modern conveniences and technology makes it super simple to order anything and have it show up at your doorstep. However, there are also some things that should never be bought online–or at all! We’ve scoured the depths of internet shopping for the oddest, most questionable, and ultimately weirdest things that are readily available to buy online. Understandably, pretty much all of these items on this list are no doubt intended to be treated as a gag gift or novelty toy, but mostly they have us shaking our heads, asking, “Why?”
10. Fanny pack belly
Fanny packs have certainly made a recent comeback in the style world. They are not only handy but make a fun fashion statement. This “belly” fanny pack is one style we will most likely stay away from however. The bags feature an all-too photo-realistic replication of different types of sloppy, poochy bellies; types such as hairy, extra rolls, as well as various skin tones. Maybe the illusion is kind of funny for a minute or two, but we don’t know many people who want to voluntarily choose to emphasize displaying an unflattering tummy. –Not that there’s anything wrong with having some belly hair or a couple extra rolls–but the fact that someone wants to create an illusion that it’s constantly hanging out of your shirt for all the world to see. If you want your stomach to be seen that much, there are easier and much cheaper routes to do so. We guess with this fanny pack, you can at least use it for storage? It’s startling how well the belly-illusion is pulled off, which also makes it so you can only wear the bag one way. (And it must be a strange sight indeed to see it on its own, off and apart from the body!)
9. Inflatable bath tub
We can actually see where this might come in handy. (Emphasis on “might.”) Maybe for children or babies, maybe on camping trips, maybe where there are only showers, maybe when the power’s out…maybe. But, this no doubt takes up a huge amount of valuable real estate when packing, and seems terribly cumbersome to have to set up and inflate with the pump if you want to use it. Not to mention needing to have the space to set it up in, filling it with hot water, emptying it, cleaning it, drying it, and packing it up again. You must really want to take a bath if you’re willing to go the extra mile in bringing your own. (It’s also probably a bit tricky to get completely comfortable in an inflatable enclosure. There must be a lot of material squeaking, as well as the dangers of your naked skin sticking to damp plastic.) There are some different versions available to buy online–tiny blow-up ones specifically for kids for example–but our trouble with the adult types similar to what’s pictured is that they’re see-through. So much for sneaking in some personal tub-time. If someone happens to walks in while you’re in a normal bath, you can at least hide behind the sides or perhaps under the cover of bubbles. With a transparent-walled tub, there’s no hiding anything.
Ha ha ha, we get the joke, you asked for nothing and we got you nothing. Yet–it’s not nothing. It’s an actual, physical item, which happens to be an overpriced plastic package that you have to deal with, when you may have truly wanted “nothing.” It’s on the hairy edge of quirky and cute, and maybe an absolute last-ditch idea for someone who’s impossible to buy for. But, like we said, it’s seems weird to spend that much money ($8 to $25, depending on where you look,) for something that will just give a couple weak moments of general amusement. With all the packaging involved, as well as the shipping box, it doesn’t seem worth the price to order this nothing. If you have your heart really set on wanting to give someone “nothing” as the perfect gag present, save the shipping and materials and make it yourself, where it can be even more personalized for your receiver. As novelty gifts go, this is one that we think can stay online.
7. Face bank
We have questions. Several questions. Why is this face on a smooth wall? Why is it the only thing on this wall? (no head, hands, chin, body, etc.) Why is it shaped this way? Why is the nose simply two tiny pinpricks? Why do the eyes have to be so darn realistic? Among the myriad of novelty coin banks available online, this one has to be just about the weirdest one by far. If you think the little face is kind of endearing and so ugly it’s almost cute, we doubt you’ll feel the same way after seeing this electronic face bank in action. (See in a video here.) It’s obnoxiously loud grinding motor sounds, unblinking, glassy stare into your soul, and weirdly moving, rubbery lips make this odd face total nightmare fuel. It doesn’t help that the mouth stops in slightly different, horrifying positions after it is finished with the cycle of “eating” your coins. Don’t worry, though, if the fleshy red color isn’t your favorite, there are other textures and colors of this bank available online. As far as unique coin banks go, we’ll have to give this beady-eyed abomination a hard pass.
6. Cigarette finger holder
This is one of those online products that makes us wonder deeply about its functionality–or lack thereof. This silicone attachment to hold a cigarette to your hand seems pointless. If you need to have your fingers free so badly, maybe you shouldn’t be smoking at that time in the first place, (and have your hands truly free.) For example, one listing explains that it makes it so “you can smoke during driving, playing guitar, drawing, working, playing games…” However, we feel during all these activities with the holder, you still need to be careful about your cigarette falling, the ash, tipping it against something, etc. The only reason we can see any point to this is if someone has trouble with hand grip, such as with arthritis or some other health reason. (Should they be smoking at all?) Even though this little rubber ring can be found online for as cheap as a dollar, we wonder, why bother? It’s just some other tiny thing to have to keep track of. This obsolete smoking accessory makes us question exactly who would use this and realistically at what time. (These oddly multi-colored, bulky, silicone rings don’t seem like an fashionable accessory, either.) Seems like you can either smoke and just set it down safely on an ashtray when you need your hands, or not smoke at all at the time instead. Yet another reason to not smoke!
5. Naked lady golf tees
Novelty golf products are bound to be a perfect gift for the golfer in your life. Tees are a great idea since a golfer can always use more since they’re easy to lose. Certain novelty tees can probably be fun we suppose, but among all of the golf equipment and accessory products, we aren’t sure about the appeal of these. The “nude lady” (blurred in our image) has some potential for being kinda humorous or fun for the right person, but the fact that these are headless (and footless!) rules out any chuckles to be had. The poses are also stiff and strange, looking more like a mangled, cheap, kid’s toy doll than a cheeky figure for an adult to enjoy. If she had a more natural, alluring pose, perhaps with a flirty, fun bikini on (so they can be used in public), and, maybe, oh, A HEAD, these might pass for a certain audience. We understand the pointed legs, (sans feet,) are to stick the tee in the grass–we’ll let that pass. We also understand there needs to be a place to put the ball, but couldn’t they have made a flat place for the golf ball on top of the head? These truly weird tees just miss the mark of being a clever novelty gift.
Yup, you read that right. Teeth. Just teeth. And unnervingly realistic looking teeth, too. There’s something unsettling about these teeth being made to resemble real teeth so very well. They aren’t obviously large, fakey toy or craft teeth, (which, we can imagine are available to buy online as well,) but are truly intended to imitate human teeth. The size, color, finish, and full mouth set all point to striving for as much authenticity as possible. More unnerving than these existing, or that they are promptly available to buy online, is the question: what are the people who buy these using them for? Crafting, costume, or prop purposes are what come to mind first, and we hope intentions stay there. (Maybe dentist offices possibly use them to practice?) We can only hope these teeth are used for innocent reasons, and hopefully not to use in replacing one of your own teeth or for any nasty, ill-willed pranks.
3. Yodeling pickle
This is just about our biggest “WHY?” on this list. Is a “yodeling pickle” from something? Does it hold some significance or is part of an inside joke or fable in some other country? In short, we don’t get it. As a novelty gift, this caters to an extremely niche market of someone who curiously happens to love both pickles and yodeling. And this isn’t a one-hit oddity, either. There’s also a “Screaming Pickle,” (which, between screaming and yodeling, we’ll take the latter–although, “screaming” may cater to a wider target audience.) It might be different if the actual “toy” (?) was designed just a little bit better. With a ballpark $20 cost, garish, unnatural green shade, blatantly obvious speaker holes, and enormous “activate” button that stands out like a sore thumb, we think we’ll skip this weird, weird novelty noisemaker. We get an electronic toy that yodels to a fan. We get a fake pickle for a fan of the crunchy, salty food. But together? We’re still scratching our heads.
2. Pimple popping stress relief toy
Stress-relief has never looked more disturbing. Or disgusting! There are a handful of people that exist in the world that get great satisfaction out of seeing pimple-popping (and other “extraction”) videos, and there are also people who seem to love the act of popping pimples themselves–but we aren’t one of them. This stress-relieving, vulgar “toy” seems to only add more stress since it has a DIY aspect before you can even play with it. The big, gaudy block with tiny holes comes with a labeled bottle of “pimple pus” that you put into the toy yourself to later press out, imitating the relaxing (?) act of popping pimples. (Gross!) There are a ton of other new, creative, and innovative stress-relief toys on the market that are just as, if not more, satisfying, without the goopy mess or nasty connotations. We’ll need a nice stress ball to get over this one.
1. Bacon toothpaste
This is the exact opposite of what you want in a dental hygiene product. Yes, there are an absurd amount of novelty bacon-themed gifts out there for the extreme bacon-lover in your life, but nothing as unwanted as this. Something as innocent as a bacon-scented sticker or car air-freshener, bacon socks, bacon-shaped bandages, even a talking, plush toy bacon–ALL are preferable to washing your teeth with the smokey taste of bacon. This is something that you’ll have to brush with regular, minty toothpaste after using, or you’re bound to offend yourself or others with your nasty bacon toothpaste breath! If bacon toothpaste doesn’t sound like the weirdest thing to shop for on the web, there’s also bacon mints, gum, candy, soap, soda, and lip balm. (There’s also all of these items available in “pickle” flavor–yes, including the toothpaste!) Most of us love bacon and pickles, (maybe some of us more than others,) but we doubt anyone wants to willingly subject themselves to all these bacon-scented products that will hang on our skin and in our mouth all day.