You know those small boxes of tiny, colorful candy hearts that seem to always crop up at this time of year? You know the ones – they taste sweet and crunchy and yet so dry and chalky all at once. (Do you love ’em or hate ’em? The world seems split right down the middle!) Anyway, these little seasonal sugary treats also have a fun little feature of being stamped with sometimes very, very questionable messages. Sure there are the cute, acceptable, and rather appropriate Valentine’s Day messages like “Love Bug,” “BFF,” “Best Day Ever, “XOXO,” “You Rock,” “Sweet Pea,” “True Love, “Dear One,” – heck, even the newer little stamped moustaches are kind clever and endearing. However, there are some particular messages that make us really wonder why they’re still being made, who would receive them, and who would give them to someone. Here are 10 candy heart messages that definitely need to be “exes” – the sooner the better!
10. Email Me
What is this, a 3:30 conference at headquarters? What was once a big deal, and the newest and most popular way of conversing, is now more associated with casual conversations. Especially, we would say, most associated with work, jobs, business. It doesn’t quite come off as sultry, sweet, and intriguing as the candy heart message “Call Me”or even “Txt Me” might. Email just isn’t a flirtatious way to gain someone’s attention or to flatter them into swapping coy messages, lovely musings, and sly love letters to get to know each other better. “Txt me” we can definitely take; currently it’s the best way to reach someone without being seen as totally professional. “Call me” is less common, but still a sweet, classic phrase that is holding up. “Tweet me” is kind of shady, yet, in the perfect circumstance, could be flattering to pronounce how you feel about someone through massive social media platforms. (Is there a “Accept my friend request” out there?) But we just can’t seem to get behind “Email me” on a candy heart. Nothing says “romance” like your boss sliding this over the table to you during that Monday meeting. Where exactly is the time and place for this message on Valentine’s Day?
9. Reach 4 It
Putting the whole tacky “using the number four for the word for” thing aside,) we think we understand this was supposed to be interpreted as an encouraging message–something like “shoot for the stars,” “achieve your dreams,” “you can do it,” or “go for the gold.” However, this message can too easily slip entirely the other direction of innocent to be taken as very, very creepy. (Especially depending on where this candy is placed.) There is just way too much margin for error in the interpretation of this particular message, and frankly, to not take that risk at all seems to be the wise thing to do before the message gets lost in translation. Even if you do want to gift this particular message to someone as an uplifting encouragement, the phrasing still feels a little off. We feel like the “it” could be expanded to be some sort of goal to be reaching for. Either way, it really, really needs to be explained before anything gets out of hand–or into hand–by any unwanted “reaching.” Yikes!
8. Get Real
Alright, so is this one supposed to be taken as sassy remark from a flirty heartbreaker who don’t need no man? However, there aren’t really too many other specifically “negative-reply” candy messages flooding the market, that we know of. The conversation-heart-message-market certainly has a high majority of positive, romantic, upbeat, and downright friendly messages, questions, remarks, and responses. Imagining finding such a bitter pill among the sweetness is admittedly jarring. Even if this is one of the few “cheeky” messages out there in candy heart rotation, it still sort of sours the whole “loving” tone of Valentine’s Day. And if you do wish to use this message as a reply to someone, somehow, it oddly enough is incredibly more vicious and soul-crushing than a simple “no thank you.”
This seems like another candy heart message that can easily slip and fall into the “cruel” category. It’s generally a choice go-to response for nearly any situation, particularly in texting when you’re not sure what else to add to the conversation, yet–when one is presented with a candy heart message that may say something like, oh, “I Love You,” it really doesn’t seem quite like the time for this coveted acronym. We guess since it is “text lingo,” it’s kinda cute or somewhat trendy on it’s own–maybe–but the way conversation hearts generally work back and forth–we don’t really see it completely fitting in. Even if this wasn’t a response to a previous message, this is one place where “LOL” proves it’s not too universal after all. What are we LOL-ing at? Valentine’s Day? Candy? Love? Who knows. Save it for the texts! (Or, heaven forbid, anything that actually makes you LOL!)
6. Pugs & Kittens
…and? What of them? Yes, pugs are adorable. Yes, the world loves kittens. Yes, pugs and kittens are quite nice, cute, well-loved things. But how is simply saying these words contributing to the “conversation” part of conversation hearts? Even though candy hearts are indeed supposed to have very brief, short, to-the-point messages, the void created by the lack of any context of this message is much too large. (Let alone the unwanted, embedded thought of eating pugs and kittens!) We probably can’t get completely away with vetoing puppies and kitties, so we suggest at least stamped pictures of pugs and kittens? Those are nice to receive with little to even no context, but even our idea of dog and cat emoticons is a stretch. How did this cryptic message even surface? Legend has it that this admittedly odd choice of conversation heart message was chosen by an 8 to 10 year old child that won a contest the Sweethearts candy company ran in 2015. Sorry, kid. Maybe try t-shirt messages next time?
5. Call Home
Imagine it: you’re walking along a bust street when a passing stranger presses a candy heart with this message into your palm. You squint to read the message, your eyes widen, and you quickly glance up into the crowd to seek and chase out the stranger, yelling out in panic: “What’s happening? Come back! WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!” (We didn’t even know this candy heart message existed!) The only place we can imagine it ever being appropriate is maybe if your elderly mother gifts it to you, explaining, “we just want to hear from you more, dear.” Otherwise, doesn’t this message just seem like a cold warning, scary premonition, or just sort of generally spooky? We don’t really see a context where this message can be taken as romantic, loving, friendly, or even sassy or cheeky. It just seems…strange. Oh gosh–especially depending on who you receive this message from! Your spouse? Ok, maybe they need you to call home so they can ask you to pick up eggs. Your bus driver? Again: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?)
Yeah, it means dance. –Well, it did in the seventies. Nowadays of course the first thing that comes to mind is–well, we don’t really want to talk about it. (But you “nose” what we’re thinking about.) Many of the younger generations probably don’t even know that this slang used to be spoken rampantly to refer to grooving, jiving, tripping the light fantastic–that is, dancing. This is a prime example of colloquial language that is definitely showing its age. Lamentedly, “boogie” is starting to fade out of it’s “indicating dancing” meaning, only to fall leeway to its unfortunate meaning counterpart. Hopefully this stale message (nay, command???) retires soon–and it’s passing will be nothing to sneeze at. Gross!
Um, wow. Okay. “Hello,” now that is perfectly acceptable for a conversation heart message. In fact, we’d like to think it’s among some of the best since it’s the perfect, icebreaker message to slip to someone in a candy heart. However, “Goodbye?” This easily fits into the aforementioned “ominous” category as (shiver) “Call Home” does. Sure, alone, this phrase is a common, frank, passing expression that makes more than enough sense to use verbally dozens and dozens of times in everyday life. In written form “Goodbye” loses all its informality and suddenly the confusion and questions crop up. Well, we suppose “goodbye” written in different kinds of notes is rather fitting–but the fact that it’s on a Valentine’s Day candy just makes the meaning of goodbye turn on its head. Let’s just keep an abundance of “Hello’s” on the conversation heart message market, shall we? A day for celebrating romance and love should be no reason to give someone a mysterious and unnerving “goodbye” message!
2. Marry Me
Oh boy, the big one. Falling into the same category as fake lottery tickets, socks wrapped up in an iphone case, or telling someone you bought them a car and they go to the driveway only to see a hot wheels, “Marry Me” is another very popular yet so repulsive prank/practical joke. Anything like this message that can cause ANY confusion–(just imagine if they had “You’re Adopted,” “I’m Pregnant,” “We’re Bankrupt,” “I’m in Love with Your Sister,”)–they’re all messages that are too serious to be conveyed to someone else on accident! Of course it’s super cute if someone proposes with a candy heart to their true love on Valentine’s Day–but let them order/make/request a custom “Marry Me” heart. We don’t want these kinds of messages flying all over for public consumption. Either wait till this message is retired or watch very, very carefully when you’re handing a “random” candy heart to your boyfriend/girlfriend while kneeling down to tie your shoe. Potential, huge misunderstandings are at risk with this message!
1. Any awkward misprints/cut-offs
You hand a conversation heart to your lover, smiling slyly. They turn it over to expect the sweetest, kindest, most fitting message for them on this heart. They smile, read, then frown, confused and disgusted. “Y Gel?” Regrettably, this candy heart was meant to say, “My Angel,” but was an unfortunate sacrifice to the evil gods of misprinting. –What’s worse, having a message’s meaning changed by its being cut-off/misprinted, or handing someone a candy heart that is BLANK? Conversation hearts are notorious for not being exquisitely, carefully, or clearly printed. In fact, every two or three are subject printing errors. In the end, just read (and re-read) carefully this Valentine’s day, and save any misprints or totally unfortunate messages you’d never want to give anyone for yourself! (That is, if you’re one of the ones that like them!)